Feeling bad today from the morning cuz palpable realness of me graduating from highschool weighted
on me so heavy for the first time. There's a big chance that I'm not getting to a uni even tho I have geat GPA.
It's all because my government does everything to make the higher education harder to obtain.
This is ridiculous. And I don't know why but I've never heard of a good experience of studying in our universities.
Perhaps it's my problem but it makes everything even more distressing. My parents don't want to pay for my education.
There's an option of free higher education in my country but now it's literally easier to go study abroad. It will cost the same money...
I think I lost the line of things I wanted to say. It's all messy. But yeah, abt parents again,
it's not for them many pathes are closing in the beginning of life with every new law. And they just stay away from all
the problems, they prefer living in their pretty bubble where all this shit doesn't exist. They don't yhink abt it
so not to worry. And I feel their absence. I feel like we speak different languages. They rhink I will get in a uni
just like my brother did 11 fucking years ago. Like nothing changed.
But okay there's a way: win an olympiad prize. For me it's literature olympiad. But now literally everyone does it cuz
it's the only way to get a garanteed place. As u could get already, if u pass all the graduation exams, it's not enough already.
And I do study for the olympiad. But I don't feel enough moral strength inside. I feel like my discipline will break after two weeks
from starting this academic year. Maybe even earlier. And if I don't get in a uni then I'll become the main topic to discuss among my relatives.
But maybe I just overthink it? I don't know anythng anymore. After saying all this I feel like I'm dramatizing everything too much.
Of course I'll get through it anyway and I'm okay with any way it turns out. But the thing is that I'm doing it alone as always.
Idk aren't parents supposed to be by their child's side in such times. I know that it's rarely like that in families in general but it doesn't change
the wrogness of it and my bitter feeling of going through every significant point in my life on my own. Yes, I know it's gonna be this way the whole life.
I know it's what literally all people live with. And again, this understanding doesn't change my feelings and urge to complain. Yes, it's empty complaining.
But it's human I guess.
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